Friday, May 25, 2012

How the Zombie Apocalypse Will Happen

Everyone has a plan for survival during the zombie apocalypse, but has anyone ever thought how the zombie apocalypse will start? Sure, but not many. It'll be tainted/infected meat, most "prophecies" say, but I have a different idea:

What if the zombie apocalypse starts by antibiotic-resistant e.coli transferred from smart phones due to people playing on them while pooping? 

I mean, it's a realistic cause. According to this article in 2005 in The New York Times, not everyone washes their hands after using the restroom. The article discusses that, in a nationwide poll of 1013 people, only 90% of women washed their hands and a sad 75% of men washed theirs. Gross, dudes. Seriously. Wash that shit. 

"But it's a study about public restrooms!" one may cry out in a stupid, whiny fat kid voice. I don't care - the fact is, you tend to wash your hands more when in a public restroom setting than when you're at home, taking a Sir Harrington and playing Angry Birds or browsing Reddit.

Consider this: we are more aware that multiple people use public restrooms, and the realization is obvious, because, well, other people are in there often while you are in there, doing your business. People you don't know. This tends to make that relentless echoing of your mother's voice saying, "You don't know where that's been!" sound louder in your mind, and not to mention, others are watching you to see if you wash your hands. The social guilt makes you intentionally wash your hands, as if proving to other strangers you don't give a shit about that you are a clean person and don't intend on walking around smearing your nasty poop hands all over everything.

Digression: I once overheard a big sister tell her younger sister to wash her hands in the bathroom, and she told her to wash them, because "no one wants you to touch them with your nasty vagina hands." I laughed my ass off. 

 Now, think about your bathroom. How often do you clean it? There isn't some guy waiting in the corner with a mop and a rolling trashcan to clean up the remnants of your bodily functions every day, like it's done in, say, a public restroom, and it's up to you to take the initiative to wash your hands after you do your "business." I'm not here to call anyone out, but I was married once, and I learned about some really gross behaviors of men.

He knows what everyone eats. Think about it.

Now that we've briefly discussed hand washing ex post facto, what about when you're pooping? Or worse, what about that in-between time? Do you wash your hands, then flush? Or do you flush, then wash your hands? How about that smart phone you've been holding the entire time? Where did you set it? Did you pick it up again after wiping your ass? 

Not to mention, when you flush with the lid open, poo particles fly everywhere, according to WebMD. Imagine those poo particles, freshly erupted from your toilet, floating onto your toothbrush, your bath towel, and that smart phone you've been playing on. Now imagine which one you never think about washing.

That's right. You never wash your phone. And someone is probably going to call you soon on that phone that you've been intimately and surgically attached to during your "private gaming time." 

Go ahead, throw up. I'll wait.

Now that you have that awesome taste of bile in your mouth, I want you to continue to think about this fact: what is a common bacteria that exists in our poop? Why, it's Escherichia coli of course! 

We live in your poop chute! 

According to that wonderfully often inaccurate website, Wikipedia, some strains - or serotypes - of e.coli cause food poisoning and other infections. And how awesome is food poisoning! But wait! There's more! Because you're technically inhaling poop particles by talking on your phone, you're also susceptible to these illnesses: meningitis, colitis, and - wait for it - WORMS. 

BOOM. THAT JUST HAPPENED. Now everyone thinks they have worms and they're probably afraid to scratch their asses. 

What's to say that these illnesses cannot become resistant to antibiotic and other medicines? Just recently, there was an article about finding more strains of antibiotic-resistant bacteria, which includes our favorite rod-shaped bacteria: e.coli. 

Let's review: 
- not all of us wash our hands after going to the bathroom.
- private residence bathrooms may be less than or equal to sanitary conditions of public restrooms.
- a lot of people admit to playing with their smart phones while worshiping Thomas Krapper. 
- if we don't put the lid down while we flush, poo particles fly everywhere, including but not limited to: toothbrushes, bath towels, and smart phones.
- no one washes their phones (admit it, you don't clean your phone every day or ever).
- our mouths breathe in poo particles (I'm coining the term 'shitacles') while we talk on the phone, including e.coli.
- antibiotic-resistant bacteria exist, and e.coli is one of them.

My conclusion? 

Avoid this: read shampoo bottles. 

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