Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Dependapotamus Lives Among Us


One of my veteran friends taught me a new word not very long ago, and that word is "dependapotamus." According to him, a Dependapotamus is "often found near military bases with legs open and hands out. They are attracted to young, dumb military men like flies on shit. And they often know more about military life than the FNGs (Fuckin' New Guys)." In an addendum that he added later, my friend expressed to me that these dependapotami "can appear to be attractive at first, but upon closer inspection, or insertion of the left ring finger into a wedding band, their waistline magically expands faster than... something fast." 

According to Urban Dictionary, this not-so-elusive creature is defined as: "traditionally a service member's dependent who is a 'stay-at-home' mom that doesn't do a damn thing all day besides sitting on the couch looking remarkably similar to Jabba the Hut, leeching off military benefits and eating anything that gets too close." 

I also found a diagram of one specimen: 
 Meet Shirleen, Exhibit-A of a Dependapotamus.

So, what do they do? What creates such a beast? What are their characteristics? I asked, among many other questions (such as, why can't they get a hobby other than fucking? or why aren't servicemen protected from these girls' bullshit legally?). And this is what I was told: 

Dependapotami can't keep their pants on. Ever. According to both witness testimony, as well as rumor, these ladies - if we can call them that - have an insatiable appetite for adultery. That's right, Jabba the Hut up there likes to hump everything  from other servicemen to OD Green doorknobs. It's a damn shame. Moonlighting as a ditch-skank is often a means for a dependapotamus to fulfill her hunger pangs in her lust-gut, but this feasting is almost always during her spouse's deployment.  

A dependapotamus often starts out as a Stage 5 Clinger. Urban Dictionary defines a Stage 5 Clinger as "a person who is obsessive over the guy or girl who took their virginity (my friend attests that this part can be removed and the definition is still effective). Usually someone who is very insecure, a bitch, needy and/or clingy." 

Duh. This characteristic of a dependapotamus is quite obvious; however, it serves as something to look out for when prospecting for potential ladyfriends. Be aware, for the dependapotamus and stage 5 clinger share many of the same characteristics that can be warning signs to you: they have graduated high school, but have no desire nor initiative to further their education; they have problems with addictions to drugs, prescription drugs, or froo-froo drinks; and they know exactly what days you get paid before they even meet you. 

She believes that your paycheck is her paycheck. Forget about saving up for that motorcycle, or a vacation away from your newly-Jabbafied wife. The money you make (of which she knows when you make it) now goes to diapers for the babies that keep appearing while you're deployed, all those Twinkies that fuel the Dependapotamus, and the bar tabs she racks up while you're either in the field or deployed. Sorry, Charlie. The Dependapotamus has a nose for money, and she not only smells your OD green, but she smells that more common "green" that civilians know so well: the smell of a sweaty dollar bill. (And we know that the sweat is from you, for you earned the money via your hard work, but she doesn't give a single fuck about that.)

Because a dependapotamus is limited in prowess for any activity that does not involve eating or birthing, she assumes you aren't, also. Let's set up a hypothetical - and very hypothetical at that! - situation. Say that you manage to de-scent and hide enough money to afford a motorcycle for your fun and enjoyment. HAH. Forget that shit! The minute you bring your rumbling, loud, nag-blocking iron pony onto the driveway of your seemingly nice home, you just might as well say goodbye to it. The dependapotamus can't ride on the back (due to her legendary fupa and discontinued leg tentacles) and she doesn't have the mental capacity to operate anything but a dent-covered, sour milk smelling, Twinkie wrapper flooded SUV/Minivan. These two facts alone cause a cloud of confusion inside the walnut-sized mind of the Dependapotamus. Her thoughts go as such: "Money-maker have motorcycle. Me no need motorcycle. Motorcycle no make Twinkies from exhaust pipe. MOTORCYCLE SERVE NO FUNCTION. MOTORCYCLE EVIL."

Yeah. That just happened. You're now fighting Jabba the Hut in the driveway of your own home over an item that can help you to relax and put up with her bullshit while neighbors watch through the blinds in the picture windows of their homes. You feel like an asshole, but you know - and so do we - that you are right in this very moment. However, the dependapotamus is more convincing to other wives, and you're fucked. You probably should have rented a storage unit to hide that pony when you had the chance.

This is always an option, too. 


The Dependapotamus usually inhabits smaller towns. The collective goal of dependapotami is to get the hell out of wherever they are and to use whatever means necessary to achieve said goal. If you are stationed in or near a small town and not a larger city, you are more apt to come across the path of a dependapotamus. These girls want out of the town they live in, and you are their ticket out (as well as their meal ticket for their insatiable appetites for Twinkies). Be wary when meeting girls in this area, as dependapotami are the majority of the population. 

I understand that this is a lot to take in. When I learned of this supernatural beast and its growing numbers, I wanted to cry. I clearly am a girl (unless my readers are too retarded to look at the picture on the right side of this webpage), and I really don't see the luster in having to depend on someone else for the Dependapotami's Three S's (sustenance, shelter, and SUV's). If I don't have my independence or my own goals, I flip the fuck out (I learned this during a marriage to a super-sized asshole of the dickhead kind). And gentlemen (e.g. every dude who is my friend, foe, whatever), this message is to you: wrap it up every time (even if she says she's on birth control) and keep your eyes open. There is an enemy at home, and her name is Dependapotamus. 

8 comments:

  1. http://sheenasstylesartistry.webs.com/apps/blog/show/17997465-i-make-all-my-tough-decisions-in-my-fort-what-you-don-t-part-1

    I'm the artist ;) Thanks for posting my drawing! I had no idea when I sent it to OSMW, it would be so big. Would you care to give me an artist credit? Thanks!

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    1. Done and done! Thank you for letting me know!

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    2. I hadn't named her, but I like"Shirleen," sounds classy. *snort*

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  2. The Noose,..That is NEVER an option for an active,..or Veteran. You have gone through to much, to allow Dependapotamus to have that much control. You are worth far more than that!

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    1. True facts! It really is just better to leave her!

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  3. Dear men: you have no one to blame for the dependapotamus except yourself. WHY DID YOU MAKE BABIES WITH HER? Now you heap all your anger on her. Wah wah wah you can't buy a motorcycle. Well, next time think about then when you're dipping your oilstick. DUH.

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    1. No one said that HE made babies with her, and those little bundles of terror usually happen while he is deployed.

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